Johnny Fucking Depp has more fucking bodyguards than I have patience; you may sleep well, Brother Depp

1/2/8

I have, of late, Parishioners,

come to despise this box…

Why is it SO FUCKING SLOW???

If there be something I can do to fix it

please let me know -

knife in the eye for the first person to mention a bigger drive or more memory…

I would have her:

Meanwhile, here’s this:

these guys are funny because I don’t get {most of} it…
Apocolypse Floss

You can tell a lot about a person by which kind of floss, if any, they use. First we have the non-waxers. They like it rough and wild, unafraid to get up in their mouths with a hard-core attitude. Then there’s the waxed floss users. A bit more refined, delicate. Maybe they even like their floss garnished with the smooth taste of mint. It’s a more glamorous, elegant method. For example, when flossing their delicate bottoms, I definitely prefer my ladies to be waxed. I myself use a decidedly fancy-pants method. It’s probably cause I’m a bit more, shall we say….aristocratic than the average pleb. That’s why I always floss my teeth with crisp dollar bills. As my fellow money flosser Robert Duvall once told me: “Dollar bills, son. I love the taste of ink died, coke stained, dollar bills in the morning. You know, one time I had eaten raw sturgeon and gefilte fish for twelve hours. When it was all over I flossed with a crisp dollar bill. I didn’t find one of ‘em, not one stinkin’ dink food scrap. The taste, you know that crisp bill taste, the whole mouth. Tasted like… victory.”

And I would have her:

August 29, 2006

A Piece Of Actr-ASS

You call that a knife? This is a knife! [replace "knife" with "contest"]. Here’s the latest chance for us to make you a winner. The prize? A mix cd entitled SkinnySlim: The Best of The Pony. The disc will not only feature the most exclusive compilation of Pony Tracks posted by yours truly, but also one-of-a-kind, personalized artwork! All you have to do is wrap your head around a simple brain teaser. Only three of the following ten actresses have NOT appeared nude on film:

Toni Collette
Kyra Sedwick
Rene Zellweger
Stockard Channing
Laura Linney (?)
Sally Field [you are bloody joking, aren't you - please?]
Marcia Gay Harden (?)
Marilu Henner (who, apart from trivia queens like me, remembers her?)
Rene Russo
Diane Wiest (?)

[who are these people?]

Name one (only ONE!) of those three modest actresses. I will then randomly choose three winners from the pile of correct answers. Email your guess to SkinnySlim@BadmintonStamps.com. Contest ends this Friday. And when you’ve scrubbed your mind of the image of those ladies naked, you can take solace in Richard Avedon’s pubic friendly pic of Miss Chan Marshall (nsfw).

Here is a picture of Helena Bonham Carter Burton Monkey Girl because it’s about time she stopped taking herself seriously:

I have had enough of this shitty software – I can’t be bothered spending the HOURS AND HOURS it takes to make things look right Fucking Ray Liotta/Johnny Depp Belarussian Conspiracy shit!

Why can’t I put in a simple fucking para break?
[allright - I just spent the extra two hours and got it looking reasonable...]

{Jesu – it’s now 3 am & I think it looks reasonable -

not to my standard, but perhaps acceptable, given my constraints…

I should get some sleep, Parishioners…}

Am I too stupid for this conspiracy?

Hell, I already know it’s there…

FIX IT!!!

WHY ARE FREE THANGS ALWAYS SHIT?

oh, because they’re free, dickhead…

Or I send you this:

but, as always, we like to end on a joiyeuse note

so here is some unrestrained loveliness from Mrs Burton:

Beginners Guide to Synney

18/1/8

Ran across this the other day, Parishioners,
and couldn’t let it pass:

You know you’re in Sydney when…

3. The weather is sticky and wet and rude. Like a woman’s armpit. After someone has ejaculated into it.

And in the comments:

Oh and thanks for #3, Fits. There ain’t nothing finer than a lady’s pit full of sack tacky, is there?

Ms Fits, of Reasons You Will Hate Me,

is Marieke Hardy; she looks like Mr Bean’s inexplicable daughter!

she is, however, responsible for the DON’T FUCK IT UP! campaign!

She is currently doing JJJ breakfasts

with Robbie & The Doctor.

The most important thang about her post, though,
is the comments; they constitute

A Beginners Guide to Synney

enjoi!

The 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2007

14/1/8

There is a great deal of Forgiveness within me, Parishioners,

but some sinners deserve to be named, shamed and sent straight to Hell!

BEAST Magazine presents The 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2007

(this is too small – click on the image or click here)

Being US-centric, I hadn’t heard of many of these people
but the “Charges” are quite amusing

Par exemple: (yes, ‘Tish!)

41. Chuck Norris

Charges: Only famous for knowing Bruce Lee. Churning out puerile “action” bilge for 30 years. Skill as martial artist greatly exaggerated. Kitsch value wearing thin. Total Home Gym®. Walker, Texas Ranger once let a little girl battle armed gangsters, because she had the power of belief in God [OK by me - lerevdr]. Doesn’t understand evolution, despite access to mirrors.

Exhibit A: Campaigning for Mike Huckabee.

Sentence: Roundhouse kick from Charles Darwin.

More importantly,
I like Number 9:

9. You
Charges: You believe in freedom of speech, until someone says something that offends you. You suddenly give a damn about border integrity, because the automated voice system at your pharmacy asked you to press 9 for Spanish. You cling to every scrap of bullshit you can find to support your ludicrous belief system, and reject all empirical evidence to the contrary. You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism — it’s nationalism when foreigners do it. You hate anyone who seems smarter than you. You care more about zygotes than actual people. You love to blame people for their misfortunes, even if it means screwing yourself over. You still think Republicans favor limited government. Your knowledge of politics and government are dwarfed by your concern for Britney Spears’ children. You think buying Chinese goods stimulates our economy. You think you’re going to get universal health care. You tolerate the phrase “enhanced interrogation techniques.” You think the government is actually trying to improve education. You think watching CNN makes you smarter. You think two parties is enough. You can’t spell. You think $9 trillion in debt is manageable. You believe in an afterlife for the sole reason that you don’t want to die. You think lowering taxes raises revenue. You think the economy’s doing well. You’re an idiot.

Exhibit A: You couldn’t get enough Anna Nicole Smith coverage.

Sentence: A gradual decline into abject poverty as you continue to vote against your own self-interest. Death by an easily treated disorder that your health insurance doesn’t cover. You deserve it, chump.

Strive for Goodness, Parishioners!

The Parkes Elvis Festival!

12/1/8

The ClubsNSW Parkes Elvis Festival is held every January in Parkes, Central New South Wales. The event is held on the second weekend in January, coinciding with Elvis Presley’s birthday.

There is a STACK of pics here

My tribute to The King may be found here

Lest We Forget, Parishioners…

The Moomba Line

9/1/8

I am blessed with

The Best Parishioners of the Whole Whirl!

Origins of the Name Moomba

The official translation is “let’s get together and have fun.”

In 1981 Barry Blake in his Australian Aboriginal Languages spelled out the etymology in more detail:

Undoubtedly the most unfortunate choice of a proper name from Aboriginal sources was made in Melbourne when the city fathers chose to name the city’s annual festival ‘Moomba‘. The name is supposed to mean ‘Let’s get together and have fun’, though one wonders how anyone could be naive enough to believe that all this can be expressed in two syllables. In fact ‘moom‘ (mum) means ‘buttocks’ or ‘anus’ in various Victorian languages and ‘ba‘ is a suffix that can mean ‘at’, ‘in’ or ‘on’. Presumably someone has tried to render ‘up your bum’ in the vernacular.

Furthermore, in 1969, Luise Hercus provided the following definition for ‘mum‘ (i.e., ‘moom’) in The Languages of Victoria:

Mum: bottom, rump. The jocular Healesville expression ‘mum ba‘ — ‘bottom and . . .’ — has been given to the authorities in jest with the translation ‘let us get together and have fun’, hence the Melbourne Moomba Festival

To which I can add, from Richard Broome’s Aboriginal Victorians (2005), “The name of this festival was suggested by Bill and Eric Onus in 1953. Lin, Bill’s son, revealed in 1969 that their suggestion was a joke, as Moomba was not an Aboriginal word for ‘let’s get together and have some fun’ as the Onus brothers had claimed, but came from the Aboriginal word moom meaning ‘backside’, with the ‘ba’ added for effect.”p359

I conclude: If you heap grief on a peoples for five or six generations and then ask them stuff, you may not get honest, respectful answers.

Bless you my dear Brother!

Roundup 5/1/8

5/1/8

Rolling Stone’s Dickheads of the Year

Live Oz music for your pleasure

John Moe’s pop-song Correspondences

A Memo to the Sultans of Swing, From Their Booking Agent

Frankly, I’ve detected a lot of apathy from you guys, and I wonder about your level of commitment. For instance, Harry, it’s great that you have a regular job that you find rewarding, but it has an impact on the band when you simply don’t show up for performances.

And, if I may add a thought on the music here, there’s nothing like a big guitar solo to get a crowd on its feet. But you, Guitar George, don’t seem to be interested in playing anything but the basic chord progressions on every number. You know your chords, Guitar George, no one can question that, but if you put on a bit more of a show, go a little outside your comfort zone, that could lead to better venues and bigger opportunities.

Please take these thoughts in the spirit of helpful concern in which they’re intended. Also, we might have a chance to play way on down south in London town next month on the 16th. Harry, please advise me on whether this is OK with your work schedule.

‘Special Mention must also go to

Notes on “Sweet Child O’ Mine,”
as Delivered to Axl Rose by His Editor

Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place where as a child I’d hide—Delete. Fix. Do something. You’d hide in a place that reminded you of hair? Never show me such phrases again!

And pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by—Whew. OK, listen to me now: Thunder can’t quietly do anything. It’s thunder. And, more importantly, do you really want to come across as a wuss who’s constantly on the verge of weeping and skittering into hair caves to escape from rain? Is this a song about love or climatic anxiety? You need to work these things out.

Remembering the Cray 1

Released: 1976
Price: ~$5m-$9m
OS: Cray Operating System, UNICOS
Processor: 80 MHz
Memory: 8MB max main memory

has anyone ever got lucky on top of this super computer?

Give Until You Learn!

4/1/8

‘Tis the New Year, Parishioners,
and I am filled with Joi!

I have always been a great lover of Scrabble™

(and, of late, Scrabulous™ on FaceBook)

so this charity is right up my alley!
(and ’twas created on my birthday!)

FreeRice!

For each word you get right, we donate 20 grains of rice to the United Nations World Food Program

WARNING: This game may make you smarter. It may improve your speaking, writing, thinking, grades, job performance…

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Who pays for the donated rice?
The rice is paid for by the advertisers whose names you see on the bottom of your vocabulary screen. This is regular advertising for these companies, but it is also something more. Through their advertising at FreeRice, these companies support both learning (free vocabulary for everyone) and reducing hunger (free rice for the hungry). We commend these companies for their participation at FreeRice.

If FreeRice has the rice to give, why not give it all away right now?
FreeRice is not sitting on a pile of rice – you are earning it 20 grains at a time. Here is how it works. When you play the game, advertisements appear on the bottom of your screen. The money generated by these advertisements is then used to buy the rice. So by playing, you generate the money that pays for the rice donated to hungry people.

Does FreeRice make any money from this?
No, it does not. FreeRice runs the site at no profit.

Who distributes the donated rice?
The rice is distributed by the United Nations World Food Program (WFP). The World Food Program is the world’s largest food aid agency, working with over 1,000 other organizations in over 75 countries. In addition to providing food, the World Food Program helps hungry people to become self-reliant so that they escape hunger for good. Wherever possible, the World Food Program buys food locally to support local farmers and the local economy. We encourage you to visit the United Nations World Food Program to learn more about their successful approach to ending hunger.

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