Fuck You, Elkanah fucking Settle!

29/5/9

“A flash in the pan”
Common definition: Something showy that initially impresses but doesn’t bring any real results. (e.g. “The singer’s career as Elvis’s long lost brother was just a flash in the pan.”)

First use: The term has been known since the late 17th century. Elkanah Settle, arse-licker of the Earl of Nowich, in Reflections on several of Mr. Dryden’s plays, 1687, had this to say: “If Cannons were so well bred in his Metaphor as only to flash in the Pan, I dare lay an even wager that Mr. Dryden durst venture to Sea.”

Dorset Gardens - the Home of True Poesy

WAAL; FUCK YOU, SETTLE ! (if that is your real name, arselicker; you fucking coward!) –
you didn’t even write Notes and Observations on the Empress of Morocco” –
(probably that pitiful treacherous plagiarist clod Shadwell )
- you never even met her!
Maya told me you asked for an audience
but she told her secretary to tell you to fuck off -
you fucking lying shit!

May Mr Johnny Cash
dip your hand in warm water
for the rest of your few remaining days!

Jack & me
went to sea (or – as you so pretentiously spell it – “Sea”)
(in a beautiful pea-green boat; fuck you!)
two guys, out on The Waters
many a time!
BEER & FISH make a writer; fuck you!
(oh, bad luck; Hemingway…)
[fuck you - Fitz NEVER even left The Shore -
but look at the joi he brought to you miserable critics!
An Inspiration to SO many many terribly much worserer writers!]
{oh, fuck; why wasn’t he wearing the scarf..?}

Able Seaman Jack Dryden

Jack Dryden was an excellent Navigateur
and good all round on deck -
no loose ties,
nothan rattlan round ,
good with a knife,
a fine hand;
excellent company.

* * *

AND you can get fucked AGAIN, SETTLE! (if that is your real name, arselicker; you fucking arselicking coward!)
DO NOT invent stories about My King!

There was no “long lost brother”
’twas a Myth created by me, Mr Tom Waits, Br Leonard Cohen & Jenny from The Jennys
after a couple o’ tequilas & such.

There is, however, a story
about The Brother Who Lived
(which cannot be supported in fact
but endures to this day)
& is ridiculously conflated
with the History of Mr Johnny Cash

The King and Johnny Cash

but, really, can’t we just put this all behind us?

DAMMIT! – why does cactus have this effect on normally decent humans?

Jack & Alex were right – you are Dulness’ bitch!
(but I must admit that you have succeeded in infecting the entire UK (with the possible exception of Wales – ta, Dylan) with decay, imbecility, tastelessness and an inability to deal with either the spoken or written languages –oh; and, perhaps, The Entire World!)
However, I hear you ended up playing a dragon
in a hand-made green leather suit in a fucking market!

Oh, World Domination!

I thank the Brothers of the Charterhouse

for spoon-feeding you gruel
and wiping your worthless arse
until you so graciously died.

Get fucked, SETTLE, you arselicking, plagiarising coward!
The Spectre of Spartacus shall be ON YOUR ARSE immediately!
NO RESPITE in Hell either – DO NOT SLEEP!!!

Spartacus!

May Jesu take pity ‘pon your soul.

My New Favourite Site

22/5/9

THIS, Parishioners,
is

I got a bad feeling about this...

My

I can haz bananaz

New

no gorillas harmed in the shooting of this photograph

Favourite

Bud Light and Clamato -what kinda Mary is that?

Site: The Japing Ape

The Japing Ape - Mr Gorilla Bananas

THANK YOU, Perineum!

She Shall Have Rings on Her Fingers & Toes

2/6/9

hullo sweetie – thank you for coming to visit this morning -

i love you – is that enough? – probly not, but let’s see..
did you get my call at 11 o’clock?

(I pour myself a double sympathy – isn’t that *brilliant*??? The Priestess & The FoolThis One’s From The Heart)

The younger Ms Lu

I have, Parishioners, shares in a rat.

Whoda thunkit? Anyway, Rat Girl was pretty rawk!

shiny things – she shall have rings on her fingers & toes/
she shall have
me whenever she goes…
(my legs are aching/my eyes are sore/
& i haven’t washed my jeans in three months or more…
you’re beautiful/& y make *go*)
{please remind me to play those for y}

[oh, Hell; here:]

fixed your mp3 player
taught you how to make risotto – no way are you even remotely Italian, gurly!
washed yr screens
Carmen is NOT Miranda – please do not confuse them – it gets me in heaps of shit – with BOTH o them!
i am – slowly – turning the guys into Gentlemen – thank you for noticing -
they are becoming increasingly lively, showing much more interest in The Outside World, beginning to chatter  – and even to sing!
Someday, if we can convince them to wear their dungarees, they shall be fit to attend the local school!
i *LOVE* this black fungus! (not between your toes tho…)

fungus_toe_chick and utensil
Obligations must be discharged TONIGHT! – I’d rather fuck with lawyers than y when yr grumpy.
how *do* you change your temperature so rapidly? – this is interplanetary ski11z – we don’t have that here… and, NO, i am NOT lending you to peter garrett! (oh, penny wong might be OK tho; if i can watch… )
fucking melbourne weather doesn’t even matter while i have you
got a handmade gorilla card from Ma Mere! – coincidence?
i think not…
From Gorilla Bananas:

With any luck, the next British parliament will be packed [ha!] with rich celebrities [not really an oxymoron, is it?] who can afford their own dildos. Richard Branson has a collection big enough for the entire House of Commons. Esther Rantzen, Delia Smith and Lulu [doesn't that make "Downtown" a *much* sexier song?] have their own custom-made devices. Tom Jones is essentially a walking dildo. [wha?] [Oh - Delia *doesn't* use hers for that...]

Mrs Lu-Garrett-Wong on a fine day
paid the credit card & gas bill
treated 52 idiots ranging in age from two to twenty-three years
and note that an improvement is already observable
applied for a for Pet Shelter Fashionista job in Frankston – they could really use me there – I have shares in a rat now…
burn that denim, then, Hell; y can do *anything*!
the ladies? they just roll their eyes…

Mrs and Ms Lu

Blessings,

Le Rev Dr