Bali

11/2/11

Recently went to Bali, Parishioners, with The Secretary.

What a shithole.

in case of tsunami

Constantly harassed by arseholes

with offers of massage? manicure? Bintang shirt? do your hair? transport? bike? taxi?

come look my shop? occasionally Viagra? and one time, in spite of the fact that I was accompanied by The Secretary, ladies?

Markets are Hell on Earth – rows of stalls selling exactly the same stuff,

all offering different prices – one is meant to haggle, apparently.

This may be fun for some – I watched this bitchy woman haggle for fifteen minutes over

10 000 rupiah – a whole dollar!

However, ’tis nothing but a pain in the arse –

if I want something, I shall pay a reasonable price for it.

Indeed, those shops which received our custom were those which were decidedly not pushy.

That’ll learn ’em!

Our resort, however, was delightful!

A rambling, luscious, verdant semi-traditional extravagance –

two pools (plus one for rich people) – the main pool having two bars –

one on the water the other requiring one to walk three feet…

Japanese & Italian restaurants, plus an all-day bar/café & evening buffet

(replete with Electone™), gym, spa, meditation sessions

The included breakfast was an enormous spread lasting from 06:30 ’til 10:30:

cereal, fruit, pastries, miso and sushi for the multitude of Japanese guests (which failed to materialise), salad, hot dishes including both Whitey and Balinese food,

an “Egg Corner” where one could order any amount of eggs prepared in any desired fashion,

a variety of juices and an endless supply of tea & coffee.

Did I miss anything?

Our modus operandi was to enjoy a leisurely breakfast

then adjourn to the patio to relax over fruit, coffee & crossword

with an occasional dip into the pool.

Luxury!

THEN a stroll along the beach into town for the inevitable shopping expedition…

Constant harassment, continuously beeping taxis & scooters (no cars in the town – avoid at all cost!), choking, eye-watering exhaust fumes, crowded, narrow, potholed footpaths (where they existed), HUGE unnavigable puddles lakes when it rained bucketed down every evening; in short – THIRD WORLD HELL!

But then – HEAVEN! We discovered a bar (Swell) that showed (pirated, no doubt) movies & served ice-cold (truly – I got a frozen bottle!) beer, another (La Walon) with The Best Staff (hi guys!), the cheapest beer and a phenomenal hotel-size menu, a restaurant (Blue Planet) with The Coolest Three-Piece Cover Band Of The Whirl (hi guys!) and a pretty authentic isakaya (Ryoshi).

Stroll back along the beach, flop into bed, repeat.

More to tell

but this post is long enough.

All in all – A Wunnerful Holiday!

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